Tomatoes and Children Need Nurture AND Structure

Tomatoes are the pride and joy of garden dabblers. The joy that comes from eating a big, beautiful tomato from one’s garden is immense.

But tomatoes are odd little fruits, and to enjoy them, you can’t treat them like other plants.

Many garden plants need nurturing. You give them plant food, water, and sunlight. Make sure no weeds or pests are attacking them. And then stand back and let the magic happen.

But not tomatoes.

They need a bit more.

You see, the classic tomato is heavy fruit. Too heavy for its vines. As it grows, the tomato fruit will rest on the ground. The tomato skin is soft and resting on the ground will quickly mold the tomato.

If that happens, instead of a ripe, red tomato, you get spoiled fruit.

For a tomato plant to reach its potential and bear ripe fruit, you must assist the plant with a structure that supports both the vine and the fruit so that both can grow and mature.

If you lightly tie a tomato plant stem to a lattice or stake, the plant grows freely upward. As the fruits ripen and grow, lattice or stake bears some of the weight of the tomato and keeps the tomato off the ground and from rotting.

What’s Good For The Tomato Is Good For The Child

It turns out that raising children is a lot like growing tomatoes.

Children need immense nurturing – they need unconditional love and positive regard, warmth, and responsiveness, to feel safe and always cared for by loving parents and family.

And they also need structure.

They need parents who expect appropriate behavior, set and enforce boundaries and train their children in the way that they should go.

This style of parenting is called Authoritative Parenting.

Authoritative Parenting Yields Good Fruit

Authoritative Parenting is a style of parenting that is very high in warmth, responsiveness, and structure.

Authoritative parents have clear rules and high expectations for their children. They hold their children responsible for their choices.

They are incredibly supportive. This type of parent is consistent with love and warmth.  Regardless of the child’s behavior, they show unconditional love and unconditional positive regard.

The results of this style of parenting are amazing. Hundreds of studies have shown that children raised by authoritative parenting are more likely to be successful on almost every metric.

Authoritative parenting is associated with better academic outcomes, fewer risky or problem behaviors, more friends, better social relationships, higher self-esteem, better mental health, lower BMI, more resilience, and the list goes on and on.

They are better off, particularly in psycho-social/mental health and in academic and professional outcomes, and they are happier, healthier kids who turn into happier, successful, and better-adjusted adults.

They are good fruit.

Some Parenting Styles Spoil the Fruit

Often, psychologists and educators compare the authoritative style against three other parenting styles: Permissive, Authoritarian, and Uninvolved.

If we continue with our analogy of the fruit, that tomatoes need nurture and structure, the same dimensions apply to parental styles.

Permissive Parenting Leads To Impulse Control Issues

Permissive parenting is very high on nurture and low on structure. They planted their seeds, gave them lots of water and sun, but didn’t give the plant any structure to assist its growth.

These parents tend to be very warm and responsive. They show unconditional positive regard. But they rarely establish any rules and have few expectations for children. When they do have rules or ask something of their child, they tend not to enforce the rules. The child has few, if any, constraints on their behavior.

Children of permissive parents tend to struggle with issues related to self-control. They tend to be more impulsive and have less emotional control. This behavior often leads to problems in school and pretty much anything that requires discipline, consistency, and self-control.

Authoritarian Parenting Leads to Rebelliousness

Authoritarian parenting is the opposite of permissive. They are low in nurture and high on structure.

Going with our analogy of the tomato plant, these parents have strong structure for the plants but fail to give the plant the nutrients it needs to thrive.

Authoritarian parents tend to be overly focused on rules and obedience. They are often stern and micro-manage their children’s behaviors. Their relationship with their children tends to be cold and unresponsive to the child. The expression of love and warmth is implicitly conditional upon “good” behavior.

Children of authoritarian parents struggle internalizing healthy choices. All their lives, they made choices because their parents ordered them to do so. When mom and dad aren’t around, meaning no external control, the child(ren) most likely will act out.

They have higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse, delinquency, and more problem behaviors. Then tend to have lower self-esteem and, in the extreme, tend to be unhappier.

Uninvolved Parenting is a Form of Neglect

The fourth parenting style – the Uninvolved Parent – neither provides their child with nurture or structure. They are not responsive to a child’s needs, provide little emotional support, little love or warmth, and no boundaries, expectations, or rules.

They plant a seed and ignore the welfare of the fruit.

In every way, these children suffer.

They experience every negative consequence of both permissive AND authoritarian parenting.

As a result, they are more likely to develop mental health issues and more likely to attempt and commit suicide.

(Food for thought…when we ignore our children because of our phones, are we unintentionally becoming uninvolved parents?)

If You Want Healthy, Happy Kids Treat Them Like a Tomato

If you are a parent who wants what is best for your children – and I know you do – then you need to develop an authoritative parenting style.

Give your kids attention, unconditional love, warmth, forgiveness, and unconditional positive regard.

Then give them the gift of structure. Expect a lot from them. Hold them accountable for their behaviors. Set rules and enforce boundaries. Discuss the reasons for the structure in their lives. Be responsive and encouraging as you support them.

In short, give your children all the nurturing they need and a structure to support their growth.

Author: Dr. Ryan Darby